"That's how I was raised"

"You need more babysitters because as far as I can tell yours is never available when you need them."

"Most of my friends are pussies. I'd show Jurassic Park to your kids 4 years earlier."

"Clearly I have opinions. I try to keep them tempered when it comes to people's kids."

"What is it with your kids and their butts?!?"

the worm 🪱

"Kids are dicks."

"No I just think you don’t need to cancel. I don’t think stuffy noses are cause for alarm in kids. Call me the uncaring, Republican of the bunch. I mean this time of year everyone has a stuffy nose."

"I grew up with parents who would leave me all day and I would totally do the same thing. Well. Actually. I have parents who just went on vaca without us."

"The whole point of not having your own kids is so you can do ridiculous thing to your friend's kids and not have child services called on you!"

[on bedtime] "You gotta stop singing to them for hours. Lock them in there."

"Have you given her melotonin yet?"

"You're pooh-bearing it while drinking wine?? I just can't figure out what the bad example is… is it just the trashy appearance of being pantsless AND day drinking. I mean i guess it could be considered a wee bit...trashy...like my mom would not have done it...but if i had two girls...i probably would… Who am i kidding...OF COURSE I would."